Today, I had a glimpse of what my “ideal” Sunday should look like.
Brunch with family, attending The Feast hangout with the youth and/or LG after church.
One, two, thirty salty tears rolled down in my cheeks.
My heart screamed.
This wasn’t things was supposed to be.
I was supposed to be here every Sunday, serving God,
I was supposed to freely attend writing workshops or paint on weekends.
I was supposed to live the life after grad I’ve always imagined since I was 16.
But I wasn’t. Actually it’s my first time to attend Feast Greenhills again after three months.
There’s a scheduled youth camp a month from now (which I am dying to attend since I was 18, but for the past two years I had classes and internships for summer so I didn’t have the chance to sign up.) But this year due to work sched, I won’t be able to attend.
I am hurting right now. If only God had a complaint desk, maybe, I’ll be staying there for hours, complaining. My Sundays are usually my date time with God. It is our time together. It used to be my special time to talk to him about my issues, struggles, blessings- anything under the sun. And He would send me a hug, through the mass and worship, articles from the bulletin or just filling up my love tank with hugs and words of affirmation. For years, this has been my Sunday routine.
I’ve been struggling with adjusting lately. Nope, not with work, but with #Adulting. There are no rules now. No curfews to follow, no grades to earn, no curriculum to tell you that you are on the right track. I’m struggling most with the idea of not having the same routine especially during Sundays. I thought, going to church was the only way to fill my love tank. I literally had little time left for writing, painting and baking. Suddenly, I felt my dreams were slowly drifting away from me. I began asking Him. I started questioning Him.
“Is this really what you want for me?”
I was in tears for almost an hour. It was a good cry. It was a long time ago when I prayed this hard, when I asked these questions, it was two years ago, when my mom had her foot amputated and triple bypass surgery, that was the last time I begged Him for something.
I begged Him to stop this season. This season of being lost.
This morning, I was listening to my morning playlist, the song Never fail- Feast Worship played.
I BELIEVE IN YOUR WORD
I BELIEVE IN YOUR PROMISE
I BELIEVE YOU’LL REVEAL YOUR PLANS I CAN’T YET SEE.
I was in tears again.
The song was like a hug from Jesus.
It felt like Jesus was talking to me, hugging me, reassuring me that I am His beloved, and the daughter of the King.
Suddenly, my worries started to fade away.
To be honest, I’m still figuring things up to now but I know I am His daughter and he will never abandon me.
Thoughts started to pop in my mind, that He’s been beside me through this journey.
I’ve been surviving by His grace. I would spend my before shifts, talking to Him asking for grace and courage to survive the next 8 hours of my life, minutes became hours, hours became days, weeks and months.
No more Sunday routine for now, but He blessed me with a wonderful LG. I don’t know if my LG(mates) have any idea how they bless me every week. They fill up my love tank every week plus the hugs and beautiful stories. You are my biggest blessing in this journey.
My VCO Fambam who helped with a lot of #ADULTING stuff, from learning on how to carry cups filled with coffee, on pulling and carrying tables and throwing garbage to mopping the floor.
I remembered my prayer three months ago, “Humble my heart, Lord.”
I must say my heart is under construction. I am now ready to accept the detours, demolition, everything that comes with making my heart stronger, better and humble heart.
For now, I’ll hold on to His promise that He only wants the best for me, that He is more concerned in my values rather than my comfort.
Because love, there are things you cannot change. But you can always change your heart.
Always remember that you are the Daughter of the King. The one the Lord loves.
There’s beauty in stillness.
And today, after almost three months, finally.
MY DEAR FRIENDS, MY MOST AWAITED SUNDAY OFF.