It was my usual date thyself day. I decided to buy ice cream from my favorite ice cream shop. When I entered the shop, my eyes sparkled upon seeing the “salted caramel” label and immediately paid for it. It was my chosen flavor.
Sometimes, I wonder if the other flavors feel not chosen, just like me.
I never really felt chosen, to be prioritized and to be the plan A, that forced my heart to start building walls to protect it from further pain. It started from a thin wall and progressed to a thick brick wall. Layers of walls were built around my heart, but my emotions broke the wall that my heart built and everything was a disaster, I didn’t know myself anymore. I was vulnerable, weak and lost.
I was the girl best friend material, the bridge, the mayo that fills the space between the burger patty and bun, because I am all out and consistent, and offers everything but still not being prioritized, “the chosen one,” the lucky girl.
Sometimes, I compare myself to the person he chose. I wonder what he sees in her that couldn’t see in me. I feel like it is my fault that he didn’t see me the way I wanted him to. Maybe I was too girly? Too loud? Was too focused on my goals? Too moody? Maybe, if I were sportier, skinnier, smarter and more beautiful, maybe he would see me, he would choose me.
When you are not the Plan A, the priority or simply chosen, you feel unimportant, you feel disregarded, you feel as if you are invisible. And no matter what you achieve, how beautiful your heart is, how wonderful your dreams are, there is a little voice at the back of your mind which tells you that you do not matter. This feeling still haunts me every day. It hits every corner of my body, which includes every nerve ending in my heart.
One day, you started to look for proofs, proofs that you mattered once in your life, that someone chose you, that you were someone’s plan A. Proof that someone crossed the rivers for you.
But you got tired.
You stopped looking for pieces of evidence.
You stopped holding on to that little hope in your heart.
For the past weeks, I am not sure what made me feel this way again. I found myself grieving for something that died a long time ago – my self-worth.
I grieved for the times that I allowed myself to be the plan B, the alternative, backup plan. I realized that I didn’t choose myself too. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of someone else’s love, that I deserved the best kind of love. I was working hard to earn love, giving gifts and doing favors out of fear and insecurity. I wished to be chosen to prove my value and my worth. I forgot my real worth.
Just like the ice cream, in the eyes of the creator, all of the ice creams were the same; each was made with love, each flavor has its unique characteristic that makes it special, carefully crafted by heart. It doesn’t matter if it’s the best seller or the flavor of the month. In His eyes, it was all special.
I know someone up there sees my wounds, my tears, and suffering. In His is eyes, I am His daughter, His artwork, His craft, His princess and I am proud to say that I am His Plan A, His priority and number 1.
I am aware that this battle will be hard and will not end even if I write a beautiful ending to this article. It is clear to me I don’t always have to feel “chosen” to believe that I matter, to know my worth and value, it will always be a battle of self-worth and doubt, a war inside my head. It will be a long journey, but I am ready for it.
Love, you need to know that you are chosen by Him, to live His teachings and to be an instrument of His love. You need to know that you matter. If you feel it in your heart, fight for it. Do not let other people determine your worth.
Be your own light, because the universe & heavens choose you.